Things I learned while watching CHiPs

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  1. Motor units are superior in every way to all others.
  2. Motor units don't have to take reports – let the car guys handle it even though we were first on the scene.
  3. It is safer to zigzag though traffic during a pursuit rather than travel in a straight line.
  4. Sirens are NEVER EVER to be used on the interstate – because one red blinky light to the front and two amber to the rear should be enough for the entire motoring public to see us and get out of the way (see lesson #3).
  5. CHP motorcycles have wail sirens while patrol cars have two tone sirens.
  6. All patrol cars have lightbars so you can easily spot them.
  7. Every day on duty results in a pursuit or major traffic crash.
  8. Motorcycles are nearly indestructible.
  9. Everyone gets a ticket – no warnings. (Other than to Broderick Crawford)
  10. It takes approximately two minutes to write out a citation and I may not even need to look at your license or registration to do it.
  11. The same cars travel in the same packs all day long.
  12. You can lean to the left on a motorcycle and turn right without moving the handlebars.
  13. You can be observer-qualified for helicopter duty just on the say-so of your sergeant.
  14. You don't need a gun.
  15. You should bring your baton even in the office (you never know).
  16. The snap on your mace pouch is just there for show and never should be snapped (or the one on your microphone case).
  17. Everyone gives up after a pursuit and never puts up a fight.
  18. CHP officers have a sixth sense as to who the real felons are and who the general speeders are – Just see how they react when the bad guys are finally stopped!
  19. Handcuffing a suspect is optional. Just twist their hand behind their back and they'll get the message.
  20. Disco music all sounds the same.
  21. You never get "helmet-head" as a motor officer with the CHP.
  22. You can ride 6 inches apart at all times without wavering in any conditions (and bounce at the same time).
  23. You can transfer to another station while someone has the flu and still get regular days off.
  24. Chocolate doesn't melt in a black saddlebag in southern California.
  25. Probation is not really a punishment. As a matter of fact, two more write ups and I get a toaster!
  26. Sexual harassment is just some silly term – all the pretty girls want to date us.
  27. The car guys know where we are at any given moment and know just when to arrive to take prisoners into custody without us having to call them.
  28. We can be anywhere in the greater LA area in less than two minutes at any time of day.
  29. Sergeants run entire Area Offices all by themselves.
  30. Cars (trucks, planes, helicopters) will only explode when the people inside or near them have been safely evacuated to about 50 feet away.
  31. Dynamite WILL NOT explode when on fire or jostled around in a moving truck. (See lesson 27)
  32. "Redshirts" (one episode characters) do not deserve nameplates.
  33. You can stop by your apartment at any time without calling in (friends are invited too).